suede fanclub meeting minutes
june 1, 2004
by nc haze

9:00 a.m. - call to order, supreme allied commander general jesus h. wouk.

9:01 a.m. - wouk reads from prepared statement requesting "one minute of silence" out of respect for "absent friends and the music of alex lee."

9:43 a.m. - elixirising rises to the podium and announces that he's changed his name to elixirpeaking.  he then puts on the new radiohead album, produced by dj squibbly and a leprechaun.

9:46 a.m. - fluffy states, "dr. peaking, i don't think the speakers are working.  there's no sound coming out."  elixirpeaking explains that the new radiohead album consists of 61 minutes of nothing.  "they've captured the sound of silence!  it's fookin' brilliant!"

9:52 a.m. - backslash requests that simon and garfunkle albums no longer be played at fanclub meetings.

9:53 a.m. - gunsucker, wearing a long robe and sandals, takes the podium.  in his arms he holds a small furry animal that is frothing at the mouth.  somberly, he says "eat from my weevil, it is my body.  do this in remembrance of me."  suede82 cries, "it looks rabid!" 

10:03 a.m. - backslash and suedestation take the podium to discuss the coming year's suedehead convention in las vegas.  speakers for the convention will include brett anderson's maid, david barnett's hair stylist, "eric" - a guy who lived up the street from bernard when they were twelve, alex lee and a keynote speech by brent spiner.  security will be provided by the hell's angels, and all attendees will receive a free ticket to the vegas hilton's new attraction "damon albarn: an interactive laser show."  ganymede yawns.

10:21 a.m. - a representative of the people's pumerian front of rigel 7 takes podium to protest the us government's advancement in string theory and dark energy propulsion systems.  wouk interrupts and reminds attendees that political organizations are prohibited from rallying during fanclub meetings (the sis prime directive), but he's interrupted by the hominid time warp collective of ngc1181429 x, who claim that string theory "beats the tit off of anything pulled out of a rigelian's arse."  phase pistols are drawn on both sides of the aisle, and blue girl screams, "oh, god!  who wants cookies?"

10:05 a.m. - backslash points to urgo chang, head of the h. t. w. c., and mutters "i see what you did there."

10:06 a.m. - the awful doctor orloff takes the podium and makes his weekly request for brains.  gunsucker retorts his weekly reply, to uproarious applause, "you came to the wrong place, bub.  this show never gets old." 

10:12 a.m. - bvh takes the podium to read a poem about richard oakes, but is heckled by el diablo, who screams from the back, "blow me!"  bvh replies, "hey, i don't do bits, bitch, i'm a prop comic."  she then storms out of the meeting hall.  fanclub members scratch their heads curiously, while el diablo, frustrated by bvh's departure, rises and declares, "there's nothing here for me.  i'm going to go find a baby seal to club."

10:16 a.m. - essentialsuede takes podium to read a message from david barnett: "hello, lovelies.  i do hope you're all delightfully well.  just a reminder, the boyfriends will be playing in soho on friday, and i currently have another clump of brett anderson's hair for sale on ebay.  paypal accepted, naturally.  toodle-pip, bunny-buns.  dbx.  ps - nc, where is my book review?"  nc shouts, "crikey!  barnett's still alive?"  wouk screams, "yay! nc is here!," then shrugs and says "oh, i've got to go watch sex in the city now.  fluffy, you're in charge."  ganymede remains unimpressed.

10:27 a.m. - the lights flicker off for a few seconds, then flicker back on.  elixirpeaking announces that as of noon, his name will be elixirpeaked.  gunsucker asks, "so are you still peaking now?"  dr. peaking replies, "yes, but only until lunch."

10:35 a.m. - a telephone rings, and everyone looks around nervously.  someone can be heard whispering, "i didn't know that thing still worked..."

10:38 a.m. - up_a_cows_arse and punch_in_the_face announce the formation of the suede fans for underscores front.  ganymede is not amused, in the least.

10:50 a.m. - nc haze and blue girl debate the distotanian iconography of the second candyskins album, which they quickly draw to a close when they realize everyone seems confused.  blue girl asks, "don't they know about distotanian pragmatism?"  nc replies, "i don't think they know who the candyskins were."

11:12 a.m. - nc haze leaves to attend a menswear concert in jared leto's closet.

11:13 a.m. - wouk rushes back in and takes the podium, huffing from exhaustion.  "i have very important news!" he wheezes.  "brett anderson, bernard butler and elton john are reforming suede with enos from the dukes of hazard and two carnies from cornwall.  it's true, my uncle's neighbor heard it from a guy in a pub who knows a lady who works at the chip shop where this other lady works who once flew through the bermuda triangle with a friend of the guy who used to cut brett's math teacher's grass!  sigh! our boys are back!"  oxydol screams "bloody hell," losingmyself screams "if bernard's there, it's suede!", pylon shouts "i heard they were gonna be called verbal pisspot," "no, that's velvet pisspot" yells explodedtoffe.  wouk's eyes roll back in his head, and he faints.

12:00 a.m. - the lights flicker off for a few seconds, then flicker back on.  elixirpeaked takes podium and declares that as of one o'clock, his name will be elixirdescending.  he then announces the break for lunch.

1:00 p.m. - "i'm still standing" is one of the few elton john songs i could ever listen to without puking violently.  why i have to hear it being assaulted by degenerate teenagers on american idol, i honestly will never understand.  or forgive.  this is a complete abomination.  you want proof that there's no god?  i'm listening to it, right now.  american idol is the september 11th of popular culture, and the terrorists have won. 

1:01 p.m. - mar and losingmyself take the podium and perform a faithful rendition of 'this world needs a father'.  midway through, mar kicks losingmyself in the groin and walks off-stage muttering something about doo-wop and the death of civility.  ganymede is not amused.

1:04 p.m. - emperor stephen takes podium and dims the house lights.  he cooly raises a hand, and with the push of a button on a remote, the soft sounds of barry white begin to drift through the meeting hall, as emperor stephen begins to recite his favorite poetic moments from classic porn dialog. 

1:56 p.m. - the lights flicker off for a few seconds, then flicker back on.  elxirdescending takes the podium and announces that as of six p.m., his name will be elixirsetting until nine p.m., at which point he will officially be elxirgone until the following morning.

2:11 p.m. - tauriel says, "holy crap.  i'm from denmark.  who knew?"

2:16 p.m. - the telephone rings again.  and again.  and again.  backslash answers.  "mm-hm.  mm-hm.  mm-hm.  yes, i understand.  thanks."  backslash takes the podium.  "that was santa.  the senate has been dissolved, and sis stormtroopers have raided our outpost at the north pole riding giant white rats.  and brett's reformed suede with gunnar nelson, harrison ford and a midget in a green suit.  the whole conversation was very weird.  i need to sit down now."  wouk asks, "are you sure that was santa?"  backslash answered, "he gurgled like santa."  wouk squeals, "then i was right!  now you tell a friend, and you tell a friend, and you tell a friend, and so on, and so on, and so on..." 

2:46 p.m. - suddenly the doors to the meeting hall are kicked open with a loud thud, as agents of c.i.a. and interpol rush into the room wearing body armor and armed with high powered machine guns.  rocky horror is thrown to the floor and handcuffed.  someone with a badge yells, "awful doctor orloff, you are under arrest for speaking in obscure code."  rocky horror is yanked to his feet and dragged from the room.  as the doors close, an agent points a finger at fluffy and dr. setting and mutters "we're keeping an eye on you two.  the owls howl at midnight."  dr. setting shrugs and says, "i'll be gone, then."  rocky horror is heard screaming outside in pain.

3:52 p.m. - loose stands and says something perverted and completely unnecessary. 

4:03 p.m. - loose and mar move to a side room.  ganymede drums his fingers on the arm of his chair and yawns.

4:22 p.m. - gunsucker makes motion to end meeting.  motion passes unanimously.  

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